Three of the most requested topics for organizational training are communication, team building, and dealing with difficult people. All three require conversations, but few people understand the power of conversations.
Communication in the workplace continues to be a topic that everyone is interested in because it is vital for success. I recently wrote on the topic of having crucial conversations. This week, we look at "Conversational Intelligence." Everything begins with a conversation.
"To get to the next level of greatness depends on the quality of the culture, which depends on the quality of the relationships, which depends on the quality of the conversations.
Everything happens through conversation."
~Judith E. Glaser~
The term "Conversational Intelligence" (C-IQ) came out of the research of Judith Glaser and others, but Glaser has written the first book on the subject. Her interest in conversations originated while she was in her early teens when she found out that her father had been a stutterer. His stuttering problem stemmed from the fact that his mother had told him that she wanted a girl. He took that to heart and became emotionally abandoned. In high school, a teacher involved her father in drama. When Judith's father was playing a role, he did not stutter. He decided that he would carry that role into real life and overcame his stuttering problem to eventually become a very successful international businessman, learning more than five languages, and being appointed an ambassador for the US.
Judith realized her father's issue began with a conversation with his own mother and that his life changed with a conversation with his teacher. She wondered exactly how that conversation went and why it was transforming for him.
Conversations are dynamic and interactive. Conversations impact the way we connect, interact, and influence others. They enable us to shape reality and outcomes collaboratively. Conversations have the power to move us from having "power over others" to having "power with others." Healthy conversations between parents and children can direct a better growth trajectory for the children regardless of social circumstances. Healthy conversations are game changers.
Conversations have the ability to activate the part of the brain that gives and receives information and also, conversation takes our brain to the next level of discovery about what is happening around us and in our world. Conversations literally expand our networks in our brain to hold larger pictures of what is happening around us. As we talk, we are building and expanding our world.
Conversational Intelligence begins by understanding how the brain works. Conversations trigger either higher or lower brain functions. The Amygdala is in the lower brain just above the brain stem. It is fully developed when born, houses our memories and emotions, and is responsible for our survival instinct, fight or flight, protect and defend, I'm right and you're not, and distrust feelings. If something said triggers the Amygdala--lower brain function--it causes the release of cortisol. Cortisol is called the stress hormone because effects emotions negatively, increases stress, and distrust is heightened.
The Prefrontal Cortex (a section of the frontal lobe) is where knowledge, rationality, wisdom, initiative, strategy, empathy, foresight, insight, and cognition takes place. It develops over time and will not be fully developed until a person is in their twenties. If something said triggers the Prefrontal Lobe, oxytosin--also called the hug or the love hormone--is released into the body. This release causes feelings of trust, love, bonding, and connection. Conversations effecting the lower brain function results in feelings of stress, distrust, fear, and even anger. Conversations effecting the higher brain function results in feelings of goodness, connection, trust and even love.
The obvious question now is: What triggers our lower and higher brain? Anything that feels threatening to your basic needs--self-worth, self-esteem, safety, sustenance, etc. or anything that feels judgmental triggers the amygdala to release cortisol. They can be words, actions, or nonverbal cues. On-the-other-hand, things that make a person feel safe and accepted triggers the prefrontal cortex to release oxytosin. A friendly word, a smile, or a handshake triggers the higher brain.
When a conversation triggers our lower brain, we take a protective posture or have a fight or flight reaction and lose the higher brain function of reasoning and trust. As a result our ability to connect, empathize, and come up with fresh ways of communicating are diminished. Glaser says that the "antidote for falling into permanent disconnection and distrust it to activate your Third Eye" (p. 105). This imaginary Third Eye is in the middle of the forehead where the higher brain also resides. This Third Eye is intended to engage people in activating their prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that can reflect on what is happening from a neutral point of view, see other ways of viewing a situation, and choose alternatives that will serve their relationships better.
OUR CONVERSATIONS MATTER
Have you ever wondered why people at some companies seem to get along well and enjoy a great company atmosphere. While people at other companies are continually stressed and the atmosphere is usually tense. It is probably because of the conversations taking place. The culture of your organizations can change if the conversations change.
With the understanding of the brain in regard to conversations, Judith Glaser developed what she calls the STAR Skills (TM)*. Skills That Achieve Results are:
1. Building Rapport that focuses on getting on the same page with others in the conversation.
2. Listening without judgement is paying attention to others as they speak and not giving into the tendency to to judge them or what they are saying.
3. Asking discovery questions that open our minds to the power of curiosity and to the possibility of changing our minds as we listen and learn.
4. Reinforcing success is seeing and validating what their success looks like as well as our own success. This eliminates uncertainty and moves us into action through greater connection and understanding.
5. Dramatizing the message reminds us we need to be alert to whether our messages are clear and understood by others. If either party feel they are not being understood, use metaphors, stories, illustrations, or pictures.
The last two play a role in sustaining a healthy trusting relationship.
We are learning more about how the brain works and effects every aspect of our lives. Judith Glaser's book on Conversational Intelligence is a seminal work and should be in everyone's library that wants to communicate effectively.
*Glaser, Judith E. (2014) Conversational intelligence: How great leaders build trust and get extraordinary results. New York, NY. Bibliomotion books + media. p. xxvi
Communication in the workplace continues to be a topic that everyone is interested in because it is vital for success. I recently wrote on the topic of having crucial conversations. This week, we look at "Conversational Intelligence." Everything begins with a conversation.
"To get to the next level of greatness depends on the quality of the culture, which depends on the quality of the relationships, which depends on the quality of the conversations.
Everything happens through conversation."
Everything happens through conversation."
~Judith E. Glaser~
The term "Conversational Intelligence" (C-IQ) came out of the research of Judith Glaser and others, but Glaser has written the first book on the subject. Her interest in conversations originated while she was in her early teens when she found out that her father had been a stutterer. His stuttering problem stemmed from the fact that his mother had told him that she wanted a girl. He took that to heart and became emotionally abandoned. In high school, a teacher involved her father in drama. When Judith's father was playing a role, he did not stutter. He decided that he would carry that role into real life and overcame his stuttering problem to eventually become a very successful international businessman, learning more than five languages, and being appointed an ambassador for the US.
Judith realized her father's issue began with a conversation with his own mother and that his life changed with a conversation with his teacher. She wondered exactly how that conversation went and why it was transforming for him.
Conversations are dynamic and interactive. Conversations impact the way we connect, interact, and influence others. They enable us to shape reality and outcomes collaboratively. Conversations have the power to move us from having "power over others" to having "power with others." Healthy conversations between parents and children can direct a better growth trajectory for the children regardless of social circumstances. Healthy conversations are game changers.
Conversations have the ability to activate the part of the brain that gives and receives information and also, conversation takes our brain to the next level of discovery about what is happening around us and in our world. Conversations literally expand our networks in our brain to hold larger pictures of what is happening around us. As we talk, we are building and expanding our world.
The Prefrontal Cortex (a section of the frontal lobe) is where knowledge, rationality, wisdom, initiative, strategy, empathy, foresight, insight, and cognition takes place. It develops over time and will not be fully developed until a person is in their twenties. If something said triggers the Prefrontal Lobe, oxytosin--also called the hug or the love hormone--is released into the body. This release causes feelings of trust, love, bonding, and connection. Conversations effecting the lower brain function results in feelings of stress, distrust, fear, and even anger. Conversations effecting the higher brain function results in feelings of goodness, connection, trust and even love.
The obvious question now is: What triggers our lower and higher brain? Anything that feels threatening to your basic needs--self-worth, self-esteem, safety, sustenance, etc. or anything that feels judgmental triggers the amygdala to release cortisol. They can be words, actions, or nonverbal cues. On-the-other-hand, things that make a person feel safe and accepted triggers the prefrontal cortex to release oxytosin. A friendly word, a smile, or a handshake triggers the higher brain.
When a conversation triggers our lower brain, we take a protective posture or have a fight or flight reaction and lose the higher brain function of reasoning and trust. As a result our ability to connect, empathize, and come up with fresh ways of communicating are diminished. Glaser says that the "antidote for falling into permanent disconnection and distrust it to activate your Third Eye" (p. 105). This imaginary Third Eye is in the middle of the forehead where the higher brain also resides. This Third Eye is intended to engage people in activating their prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that can reflect on what is happening from a neutral point of view, see other ways of viewing a situation, and choose alternatives that will serve their relationships better.
OUR CONVERSATIONS MATTER
Have you ever wondered why people at some companies seem to get along well and enjoy a great company atmosphere. While people at other companies are continually stressed and the atmosphere is usually tense. It is probably because of the conversations taking place. The culture of your organizations can change if the conversations change.
With the understanding of the brain in regard to conversations, Judith Glaser developed what she calls the STAR Skills (TM)*. Skills That Achieve Results are:
1. Building Rapport that focuses on getting on the same page with others in the conversation.
2. Listening without judgement is paying attention to others as they speak and not giving into the tendency to to judge them or what they are saying.
3. Asking discovery questions that open our minds to the power of curiosity and to the possibility of changing our minds as we listen and learn.
4. Reinforcing success is seeing and validating what their success looks like as well as our own success. This eliminates uncertainty and moves us into action through greater connection and understanding.
5. Dramatizing the message reminds us we need to be alert to whether our messages are clear and understood by others. If either party feel they are not being understood, use metaphors, stories, illustrations, or pictures.
The last two play a role in sustaining a healthy trusting relationship.
We are learning more about how the brain works and effects every aspect of our lives. Judith Glaser's book on Conversational Intelligence is a seminal work and should be in everyone's library that wants to communicate effectively.
We are learning more about how the brain works and effects every aspect of our lives. Judith Glaser's book on Conversational Intelligence is a seminal work and should be in everyone's library that wants to communicate effectively.
*Glaser, Judith E. (2014) Conversational intelligence: How great leaders build trust and get extraordinary results. New York, NY. Bibliomotion books + media. p. xxvi
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